remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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