ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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