I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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