She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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