What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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