hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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