Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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