when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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