I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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