I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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