she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
