He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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