She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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