When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
