They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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