Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
