Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
