Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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