John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
