some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
