Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
