Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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