So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
