yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
