Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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