You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
