I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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