You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
