remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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