R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
