Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I met the friendliest cop last night
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
