I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
