In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
