at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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