I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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