I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
