shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I could make wine with my vomit
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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