I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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