Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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