You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
