I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
