I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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