I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
