If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
