can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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