I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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