Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
