Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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