I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
