I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
